If I Could Turn Back Tiooome...!

One of my most favorite shows (of all time) is Will & Grace. If I could turn back time, I would give almost anything to see that show back on the air. And one of my most favorite scenes in that show is when Jack tries to imitate Cher:

Funny, right? Well, the line from that song is what has brought me here today. I have been asked to consider what would I do/say to the Jasminne of March 2013? If I could turn back time, what advice would I give that girl?

To be honest, I had to do some digging through my Facebook to even find out what THAT Jasminne was doing with herself at the time, and what I found was actually quite awesome.

You see, THAT Jasminne was happy, healthy and whole (mostly). I was going to yoga on a regular basis, meditating daily and taking time to enjoy life like I hadn't been able to do in years. It was pretty awesome. But, if I COULD go back in time and tell her a few things, here's what I'd say:

1. Enjoy doing yoga and feeling super. In a few months you will begin having some of the worst chronic pain yet, and all of this will be impossible. Be more thankful for the parts of you that work.

2. When you are suffering through pain, don't try to be a hero about it. It will only make your life more miserable. Ask for help, take pain meds, rest when you need it and get your ass to a doctor ASAP.

3, Yeah, that baby you're trying so desperately to conceive? Ain't gonna happen this year either, so just forget about it and enjoy the blessings you do have. When the timing is right, you will get pregnant.

4. When your book is published you will feel elated. ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF IT.

5. Becoming a mother isn't going to make you "enough." You ARE enough already. You are not broken. You don't need fixing. Having a baby will not complete you. Revel in your accomplishments. Love your husband. Take care of yourself and enjoy the ride. 

6. Finally, that "inner light" your yoga teacher keeps talking about? It's not about letting it shine when there is no darkness, (there will always be dark days) it's about shining in spite of it.

Show Me the Money!

The most anti-climatic (quite literally) relationship I have ever had is the one I have with money. We all treat and view money in different ways. The way I see it, it's either there or it isn't. If it's there then I take care of necessities(food, house, car, medicine), spend a bit on clothes, and save the rest for travel or big purchases. That's it. No secret mathematical equation that makes me happy or keeps me worried. When you grow up hearing the phrase "no hay dinero para eso,"(we don't have money for that) you end up spending your adulthood living by it. I don't exactly budget,  but I don't overspend. If I have the money saved to take an expensive vacation, I do it and spare no expense. If all I have enough for is food and rent, then I keep my ass at home eating cereal, rice and beans until I have more to do more. That simple. (My husband's relationship with money is a bit different, so we have had to learn compromise) 

BUT...

IF I hit the jackpot tomorrow...what would I do??? Well, I know what money can do to people, how it changes people, so I'd actually not want to physically see the money. So, here's an impromptu poem on what I would do if I hit the jackpot (cause I choose to be frugal with my words)

Don't show me the money

Cause I want to give it away

I want my mom to have a new house

And pay for my sister to open up a store

to sell her designs

Don't show me the money

Cause I want to give it away

To the school in the DR

Named after my grandfather

so kids can have books, and supplies

running water and uniforms

Don't show me the money

Cause I want to invest it

wisely

so i'll have more later

Don't show me the money

Cause I want to give it

to my cousin

the one who can't afford

the bus ticket to go to

school

because she needs it more 

than I do

Don't show me the money

Cause I'll spend it on a house

I won't have the energy to clean

And on a nanny who's mean

Don't show me the money

Because at the end of the day,

I'd give it all away

to help find a cure

Lupus. 

Guilty Pleasures

I write memoir. I blog. I Facebook everything from the color of my nails to crappy doctor's visits. I am an open book. Those who know me, know me WELL. I do not see the need to be "coy" or "mysterious." #ain'tnobodygottimeforthat I believe in creating and sharing stories(the good, the bad, the ugly) and I know that my stories and experiences need to be shared. I have been through a lifetime in my 29 years on this Earth and I know for a fact that by being open about it I have inspired many. I have enlightened young girls and given hope to women from all walks of life. I do this because it is the only way I make sense of my world and experiences and because writing, performing and sharing my story keeps me from going completely crazy. I strive to be an inspiration and a light for others.

So.. being that I am an empowered and intelligent woman, one would think or expect me to look up to other women who are similar to me. And for the most part, I do look up to those literary giants like Maya Angelou and Toni Morrison. However, like any  normal human being, I do have a few guilty pleasures of inspiration. And, because I share EVERYTHING...I must finally confess this:

I am inspired by and keep up with the lives of: Rhianna and Kourtney & Khloe Kardashian. (Yes, I watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians- cue loud gasp now) 

THERE! I SAID IT!

I mean, they ARE beautiful! (Despite their faulty choices in men)

So despite all of my attempts to flip the channel when Keeping up with the K's comes on, or to change the radio station when I hear the song The Monster: I. Just. Can't. I am fascinated, impressed, intrigued and even inspired by these women. And truth be told, when you look up their bios, it's pretty damn impressive. 

Khloe and Kourtney (luckily, I still loathe Kim) travel the world promoting their brand, running their business and keeping it cool despite the media scrutiny and paparazzi madness. They believe that family is always number one and have each other's backs no matter what.  Do I think they lack confidence somewhere in their lives? Yes, otherwise they wouldn't be in such terrible relationships. But I cannot judge their whole worth on the actions of their partners. (And truth be told, who hasn't made some bad choices with partners at least once in their lives?) I think we want to hate them because we envy them. We can't accept that women can be beautiful, smart and successful. But we should. Is their reality tv show about nothing? Of course, but that is only an edited sliver of their entire lives it does not define them even if the media thinks it does. (I still don't follow them on Twitter, that's where I draw the line) 

Now on to my artistic inspiration, Rhianna. She is the guilty pleasure I hate to love. Her voice is amazing. Her albums are unique and creative. She is confident, sexy and proud to show it off. However, I hate what she represents for young girls today. Returning to an abusive partner is NOT ok, ever. But I can't even imagine what that must be like, so again, I won't judge. Her choices in her love life do not diminish her artistic achievements and that is what I have learned to understand and accept. So, now when her songs come on, I turn it up and get my groove on.

It's not always easy to admit parts of ourselves that we feel ashamed about. Parts that we think or our mom's tell us should be private. But in doing so, we might help someone else. So, if you've got a guilty pleasure or even a deep dark secret eating away at you, start by taking a small bite (like I did) and share it with even just one person before going fully public. Trust me, in the end you feel a TON better, and those monsters under your bed and those nagging voices in your head will quiet down and not feel so scary anymore.(My male guilty pleasure-Eminem, there I said that too!)

To thine own self, seas fiel

Hello my lovely ladies (and gents, for the few that may read this)! I am super excited to begin this journey with you all. If you followed my previous blog (which I WILL get back to when the time is right) you know that it focused on me learning to deal, live with, and manage my chronic illness. In THIS blog you will find nothing of the sort (mostly). Here, I will share a myriad of topics/ideas more closely related to my background, my identity, my "Latinaness" and other fun stuff. So, be prepared...now, where to begin?

Well, first off, I was challenged today to explain what the phrase "to thine own self be true"(Shakespeare) means to me. Ooof, what a loaded question! But actually a really great place to start. For me, it's about being who you want to be. Not what Mami or Papi or your papi chulo of the week want or expect you to be. And trust me, it ain't an easy thing to accomplish. I spent the better part of my teens and twenties becoming who and what I thought my parents wanted me to be. A successful, independent, money earning woman too afraid to pursue her real dreams for fear of failure and disappointment (cause after all, no one can earn a living writing poetry and acting in plays). But that version of "me" was all wrong. It led to sadness, frustration and even resentment. I resented my parents for pushing me so hard to become something and someone that just wasn't me. Sure, I went to college and enjoyed, but I went so that I could have a back up plan. In case the real plan went awry. (You'll learn more about my OCD planning below) But deep down, I just wanted to make art, live meagerly, smile often and figure everything else out later. But Latina-Catholic mother guilt is a hard thing to surpass. You HAVE to do and be a certain way so that someone, some day will want to marry you. Eventually, however, life happened and slapped us all in the face (I got really sick) and I did and have overcome it, realizing (thankfully early enough-before 30) that all my parents really wanted was for me to be happy. 

Performing poetry at a spoken word event.

Before you can be true to yourself, fiel a ti misma, you have to figure out who YOU are. You have to know who and what is going to make you genuinely happy. Who and what is going to make you a stronger person. Who and what help make you the best version of yourself you can be. Not the best version of what someone else or society wants you to be. And that, my friends, takes work. And quite honestly, it's something that is constantly evolving. Yes, there are parts of you, at your core, that will never change, but hey life and shit happens and those things can rock us. And that's ok. But remembering and staying truthful to the you that keeps you strong and happy, that's what matters. Like my yoga teacher says: True peace isn't the absence of chaos, it is the ability to be in the midst of chaos and be able to find stillness. Which, in my opinion is only made easy if you are true to yourself. The quote below is my favorite because at the end of the day, if you have stayed true to yourself, where you "end up" is exactly where you are supposed to be in that moment.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I am where I was intended to be.”

— Douglas Adams

So...who am I you may ask? What are the parts of me that help me be the best version of myself? I'll break it down for you with an acrostic poem:

Oh, and I LOVE cupcakes, but I couldn't make that fit in the poem. :) 

I AM A:

S-Sensitive

E- Erratic

L-Loquacious Latina (who)

F- Focuses on being Fastidious 

Are all of these words positive? No. But that's what makes me, ME.

Let's start with sensitive. I am a highly emotional and sensitive person. I take things to heart and lately, I will literally cry at the drop of a hat (if that hat is on an undocumented immigrant being taken away by ICE for example). Yep, as sensitive as they come. I wear my heart on my sleeve and if you are a part of my life I will lay down my life for you. BUT, that also means, that if you break my heart one too many times...I'm done. It takes a lot for me to cut someone out, but when they're out.."pa fuera!" 

Aahh, erratic. The word my hubby (Lupe) decided was spot on. And I truly can't disagree. As a creative old soul I jump from one idea and desire to the next. One minute I want to publish a book, the next I want to drop everything, dye my hair blue and move to Australia. Luckily, I have Lupe to keep me grounded. Bu that doesn't stop me from dreaming! I will say, however that being erratic HAS helped me have the courage to just go for it at times. It's helped me achieve dreams I never thought possible because I just went out on a limb and tried it, so all in all I think it's a good trait to have.

Selling copies of my book! Made $80.00 in 45min!

Now to the L words...haha..a "loquacious(talkative) Latina"...redundant, I know! But hey, I have met a few Latinas who are NOT talkative (my sister is a prime example). But let's face it, I got A LOT to say! Ideas spinning around in my head at the speed of sound! I will talk about almost anything. (Except the weather- I HATE small talk) I love to gossip, not even gonna lie about that one. My former female students know very well that if there was a break-up, hook up, or bit of spicy teacher gossip on campus they could come running to me to share it. (I miss those days)  I can also talk my way out of a bad situation by using fancy words like loquacious, and I can also talk myself into bad decisions. It's a double edged sword, but I will own it. And I'll admit, I do love hearing the sound of my own voice, especially if I'm sounding intelligent. 

Finally, focused on being fastidious. Despite my erratic tendencies I am a HUGE Type A personality. If I am planning a party, event, workshop, performance, vacation etc. I will focus on EVERY detail. I will write To Do lists until I'm blue in the face. I plan everything! I hate for things to go wrong. I actually enjoy planned happiness more than spontaneous joy (I know, I should have my head checked). But that's just ME! So, you can imagine, what might happen when things don't go as planned or when details are forgotten...yeah, hit up Lupe for a detailed account of THAT version of Jasminne. (Not pretty)

So, in a pistacho nutshell, esa soy yo. Well, some parts of me. I'm not that easy of a shell to crack. But come back daily for another taste and to get at my core...or buy my book Island of Dreams to learn just a little more! Catch you on the flip side! And remember: to thine own self, be true (seas fiel).

Under Construction

My blog is currently under construction, Please check back soon for my first post! ETA: March 16th!