Love. Such a loaded word. Yet so simple. When we feel it, we know it. It changes us. It grows within us. It's not easy but it's wonderful just the same.
What is love to me?
It's being in a room with that person and not having to say a word. Being ok with silence.
It's knowing that they'll be there for me without having to ask.
It's more than just the butterflies in my stomach. It's the certainty that regardless of who I am or who I become, that person will be by my side no matter what.
My life is not perfect. I suffer, a lot. But I have been blessed with love. The love of my parents and siblings. The love of my family and friends. But most of all, the unconditional love of my husband.
When I asked him, practically told him to leave, to run for the hills because my illness was too much to handle, he said no.
When I begged him to let me suffer alone, he said no.
When I fall to pieces and give him permission to leave guilt free, he always says no.
That, is love.
The best piece of marriage advice I have ever received had nothing to do with not going to bed angry. The wisest thing anyone ever said to me was: "Staying is hard. Leaving is easy. Anyone can leave, but sticking it through, that's the hard part."
I carry that with me everyday. Marriage. Love. It's hard work. It's NOT happily ever after. People change, Life gets in the way. Shit happens. But finding hope, seeing beauty and deciding to get up and live everyday for that one person who completes you..that..that takes courage..that is love.
When you decide that waking up to live one more day for that one person is more important than the peace you might feel if you just stopped breathing...that is love.
When you see that person differently because you suffered a great loss together and that makes your bond stronger..that is love.
When all you want to do is crawl into a hole and never come out and that person will crawl in it with you if only to be able to drag you out...that is love.
I am loved deeply. I want to love more deeply but right now, i need more love than what I can give. And that's ok, for now.
Love will not cure me. Love will not stop my physical pain. Love will not pay my mounting medical bills.
But love, the love I know someone feels for me, has saved me from myself. And that, is enough.